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Holiday Concert, 12/6/06

A woman was before the judge because she had stolen a can of peaches. The judge said to the woman: "How many peach slices were in the can?"
The woman replied: "Six"
The judge said: "Then I will sentence you to six days in jail, one for each slice."
At this time the woman's husband spoke up: "You Honor, may I say something?"
Judge: "Yes, go ahead."
Husband: "She also stole a can of peas."

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"
Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.' "

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor, "what kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son Bob in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough! I'm sick of her, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Boston and tell her," and then hangs up.
The son frantically calls his sister, who goes nuts upon hearing the news. She calls her father and yells, "You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a single thing, do you hear me?"
The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife, and says, "It worked! The kids are coming for a visit, and they're paying their own way!"

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her hubby. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!   Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!!! WW NEED MORE BUTTER. Oh my GOD!!WHERE are we going to get more BUTTER? They are going to BURN!!! Careful...CAREFUL!! I said be CAREFUL!! You NEVER LISTEN TO ME WHEN YOU ARE COOKING! Hurry up TURN THEM!! Are you CRAZY?? Have you LOST your mind?? Don't forget to SALT THEM!! USE THE SALT!! USE THE SALT!!
The wife stared at him, "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I am driving."

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"
The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the doctor. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right, but I'll stick with my Moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer. He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOSH! Something whips by him going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph, OOOOOSHHHH! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My Gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror."

There once was an actor who was obsessed with doing trap door gags. Some critics thought he would keep doing them the rest of his life, while others said he was just going through a stage.

Did you hear about the guy who cut off his entire left side with a chainsaw? He's all right now.

Me: I think I've got humorrhoids"
Doctor: "What makes you say that?"
Me: "It feels funny when I sit down."

Did you hear about the new restaurant they opened on the moon? It had great food, but no atmosphere!

Why don't dogwood trees make good fireplace wood? Too much bark!

Why do grocery store check-out clerks have such a hard time deciding between paper and plastic? Because baggers can't be choosers.

Poor Fred drowned in a vat of varnish. It was a terrible end but a lovely finish.

Did you hear what happened at the corduroy pillow factory? It made headlines.

Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob told Lester, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again. Last year, you suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant again."
Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year, I'm taking Marie with me."

 

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