Holiday Concert, 12/6/06
A woman was before the judge because she had stolen a can of peaches.
The judge said to the woman: "How many peach slices were in the can?"
A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought
her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously
waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee.
The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee,
and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little
green army guys in the bottom of the cup.
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son Bob in New York and
says, "I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are
divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough! I'm sick of
her, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister
in Boston and tell her," and then hangs up.
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her hubby. Suddenly, her
husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some
more butter! Oh, my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!
Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!!! WW NEED MORE BUTTER. Oh my
GOD!!WHERE are we going to get more BUTTER? They are going to
Careful...CAREFUL!! I said be CAREFUL!! You NEVER LISTEN TO ME
WHEN YOU ARE COOKING! Hurry up TURN THEM!! Are you
CRAZY?? Have you LOST your mind??
Don't forget to SALT THEM!! USE THE SALT!! USE THE SALT!!
A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari.
It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He
takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind
of car ya got there, sonny?"
There once was an actor who was obsessed with doing trap door gags. Some critics thought he would keep doing them the rest of his life, while others said he was just going through a stage.
Did you hear about the guy who cut off his entire left side with a chainsaw? He's all right now.
Me: I think I've got humorrhoids"
Did you hear about the new restaurant they opened on the moon? It had great food, but no atmosphere!
Why don't dogwood trees make good fireplace wood? Too much bark!
Why do grocery store check-out clerks have such a hard time deciding between paper and plastic? Because baggers can't be choosers.
Poor Fred drowned in a vat of varnish. It was a terrible end but a lovely finish.
Did you hear what happened at the corduroy pillow factory? It made headlines.
Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob told Lester,
"You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm
gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as to
where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and
Marie got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,
and Marie got pregnant again. Last year, you suggested Tahiti and darned if
Marie didn't get pregnant again."
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